


Lost inside Your Dreams

by dip_the_pip



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Dan dies, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Phil talks bad abt religion, Religion talk, Sad with a Happy Ending, but it's just a dream
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-07
Updated: 2019-11-07
Packaged: 2021-02-01 03:08:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21350380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dip_the_pip/pseuds/dip_the_pip
Summary: Based off thistumblr promptPhil's worst nightmare comes true...or does it?TW: Descriptions of a dead body
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 8
Kudos: 65





	Lost inside Your Dreams

_“Hi, Mr. Howell-Lester. This is Doctor Niles from St. Bartholomew’s Hostpital…_

_…..big crash……._

_……..no survivors….._

_…..to come identify a body…..”_

Phil stares at the ceiling, only catching bits and pieces of the doctor’s soft voice over the phone. He feels sick to his stomach.

He feels nothing.

-

He stares at the body on the bed. There’s bruising and blood and a massive gash across his neck and down his chest. He can still see small shards of glass protruding from his shoulders that they didn’t even both to take out.

He doesn’t remember how he got to the hospital. He barely remembers the phone call now. He wasn’t supposed to be here. He shouldn’t be at a hospital. He should be back in his bed, enjoying his lazy Sunday off with a lie-in while Dan’s out with friends.

He has to identify the body…but that isn’t Dan. That isn’t his husband. That isn’t his partner.

Dan was somewhere else, sipping an overpriced festive latte with some friends. He was somewhere gossiping and laughing and telling stories about the adventures of their latest trip.

He isn’t dead on the table in front of him. He wasn’t that cold, bloody, lifeless body in front of him.

-

It’s raining, but when is it not in the UK?

He’s dressed in a suit, one that Dan had picked out for him. He hadn’t picked it for this occasion, but Phil didn’t think he’d be on any red carpets promoting Dan’s clothing line anytime soon.

Bryony’s to his right, holding his hand in both of hers. She’s crying into his arm but trying to stay strong. She shouldn’t try and stay strong. She should cry. This is a bad thing. This is an absolutely horrible nightmare. She shouldn’t be strong; she should feel just a broken as Phil feels. And as Dan’s mum and nana look.

Adrian’s got sunglasses on, but Phil sees the tears roll down his cheeks too. Dan’s father showed up, and it took everything in Phil not to sucker punch him when he hugged Phil. He’s done jack-shit for Dan up until now, why does he suddenly feel like he gets to be a part of this?

Regardless, Phil’s not enough of an asshole to kick a man out of his son’s funeral, even if that son barely considered him a father. He sat at the back, thankfully, away from Phil’s and Dan’s families.

Dan didn’t want his funeral at a church. Told Phil countless times throughout their lives that he didn’t feel accepted and loved by religion after coming out, and that he didn’t want the church involved at their wedding or his funeral.

They got away with not having their wedding at a church, but Phil felt powerless when Dan’s mum and nana insisted that it be held at a church so Dan would be able to rest in peace with the help of God.

Or some bullshit like that.

Phil’s family wasn’t big on religion, he had never read the bible, and the only times he went to church was when he’d go visit his grandma. He respected religion, but he didn’t understand it. That’s something that Dan and Phil could always agree on, religion was bogus, and they only believed in science and things that could be proven.

Sure, Phil believed in silly things like soulmates and the fact that it was fate bringing him and Sam the surfer together all those times he’s ran into him at airports, but that was mostly just to pester Dan.

If God was real, he wouldn’t have let this happen. It wasn’t Dan’s fault. He was the healthiest physically and mentally than he’s ever been in his life, he’s married and they’re in the process of getting a surrogate. He still had his whole life ahead of him, but because he had decided to take an Uber somewhere at the wrong time, now he’s dead. His lifeless body is now in a fancy box that’s gonna be put underground for no one to see him ever again.

-

They’re outside of the church now, all standing in the muddy grass as Dan’s casket is lowered into the ground. Friends and family cry as they say goodbye, but Phil just stares. Stares into the pit where his soulmates body will reside forever.

Once the service and the burial are over, Phil grab’s Martyn’s arm and begs him to drive him to the closest bar.

-

The sun is setting as Phil unfolds the blanket. There’s a chill in the air, but it’s not enough for Phil to need to wear more than a fuzzy jumper. He doesn’t know how much time has passed, doesn’t know what he’s done since the funeral until now.

Did life even continue after the funeral? Has he even done anything since the death?

He can’t recall anything he’s done as he sits on the blanket in front of Dan’s headstone. It’s been long enough for the grass the regrow a nice and lush green.

There’s flowers surrounding the grave plot, more than anyone else surrounding Dan. Phil feels guilty for the others. He knows it’s because some old fans found Dan’s resting spot, and he’s glad Dan gets love when he isn’t around, but it makes the rest of the cemetery seem bare.

He grabs the bouquet he brought and stands up. He walks around the plots surrounding Dan, setting a single flower upon each one.

Phil hates the concept of death. He knows it’s inevitable, but he hates it. He lost a friend at a young age, grandparents at a young age, and now his life partner. His life partner didn’t even get to live his life.

He feels guilty that he doesn’t always get to go visit his grandparents’ plots, or his old best friends plot, but he refuses to not visit Dan’s.

He sets the last flower down at a little girl’s plot that looks like it hasn’t been visited or cleaned up in ages.

He returns to his blanket and sits down, sighing heavily. “Sorry about that, I’m sure you would’ve done the same thing, though,” He says quietly. He feels weird, essentially talking to a rock with Dan name on it, but it’s a little comforting too.

“Things…things are so hard without you here…” His voice is shaky, and the clouds above him block the sun, making it look how he feels inside.

He sniffles, seeing a small sketch of cat whiskers on a card in a bundle of flowers. “I’ve uh, stopped writing. Actually, started uploading to YouTube again. I really needed the support after…” He takes a deep breath. “They were heartbroken. In some sense, they grew up with us. We shaped and changed so many lives, you especially.”

He’s silent, listening to birds chirp and cars driving nearby, “Bry moved in with me. Well, I couldn’t stay in the flat anymore, so once the lease ended, Bryony and I moved into an apartment together. I was mostly staying with her, anyways, so it made the most sense. She adopted an older cat, tangerine. You’d love him. He reminds me of you a lot. He mostly just sleeps and lays in warm patches. Loves attention, too,” He chuckles softly and wipes his eyes.

“We, uh, got approved for a surrogate and adoption, too. A couple weeks ago. I guess I forgot to cancel the paperwork.” He picks at the grass surrounding the blanket, his hands shaky. “I always wanted a baby with you…always wanted to raise a kid with you. You would’ve made an amazing parent…” He says quietly.

“I talked to Bry about it, and I might still go through with it. I have to get her approved through the agencies since I’m living with her, but I still want a baby. She understands that, and we’ve got the room for a baby. Hopefully the agencies will understand my…situation, and still give me the approval.”

The trees around him rustle with the wind…

“I-I just-” He breaks off with a sob, covering his mouth as his eyes burn with tears. “I miss you so m-much…” He voice cracks with emotion. Tears stream down his cheeks. His throat burns with the need to cry hard into his hands, or more preferably, into the shoulder of his soulmate.

But he doesn’t get that option anymore. He doesn’t get to make that choice, because someone took it away from him. Someone took Dan away from him.

He sobs harder, his stomach hurting as he feels his nose get runny. He looks like a mess, he’s sure, but he deserves to. He deserves to still be upset, to still be hurt that his person was taken away from him. Taken before either of them were ready. Dan still had so much to accomplish, both personally and professionally.

It just wasn’t fair.

It isn’t fair.

Dan should be in his arms, not six below in a fancy box.

So, he cries, and sobs, and cries…

-

“Phil, what the fuck?” Dan’s groggy voice fills his head. He blinks his eyes open slowly. His head is pounding, and his cheeks feel wet. His vision is blurry, which is to be expected when he wakes up, but they’re also blurry with tears.

He’s shaking, he’s tense, and he feels arms snake around his waist and a warm cheek press against his bare shoulder. “What happened, what’s wrong?” Dan’s a bit more awake now, holding Phil against his chest. “Bad dream?”

Phil takes in his surroundings. Dark, grey bedroom. Heavy, but soft duvet. Sunlight reflecting off of the moon mirror and lighting up the foot of their bed.

“Dan?” His voice is creaky and quiet, thick with tears. He rolls over and tucks his face into Dan’s neck, inhaling his scent deeply.

Dan chuckles softly, letting his fingers run through Phil’s soft brown hair, pushing it off his forehead. “I’m right here, don’t worry.” He says softly, feeling as Phil burrows into him more.

“It-it was so horrible…” He cries, holding on tighter. Dan was real. This was his husband. His life partner. He was alive and healthy and happy.

“I’m here, baby.” Dan’s voice is gentle as he lets his hand rub firmly up and down Phil’s back, keeping him grounded. “Need to talk about it?”

Phil sniffles and pulls away, wiping his eyes and letting his hands go to Dan’s cheeks, tracing over the gentle lines on his voice. “After coffee? And more cuddles.”

**Author's Note:**

> idk if it was clear but when I talked abt Bry and Phil living together/adopting a kid possibly, it was platonic
> 
> didn't want anyone thinking I'd make Phil a hettie


End file.
